Hillbilly Letter From Home

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

You need to be careful of how much beer you drink!

Hillbilly Deputy Sheriff

One day a hillbilly walks into a police station because he wants to get a job as a deputy, which he's wanted to be his whole life. So he goes over to the sheriff's desk and says to the sheriff, "I'm here to be a deputy."

The sheriff laughs and says, "Well let's see if you're qualified, son." The sheriff then asks him, 'What are two days of the week that begin with 'T'?

''Today and tomorrow,' says the hillbilly.

"Not what I was looking for but I'll give it to ya," says the sheriff.

"Who shot Abraham Lincoln?" the sheriff asks.

The hillbilly just stands there with a blank look on his face.

"Why don't you go home, think about it and come back tomorrow," the sheriff says to the hillbilly. So the hillbilly goes home and his wife says to him, "So sweetpea, did you get the job?"

"I think so, they've already put me on a murder case.'"

Only a Person in Tennessee could Think of This!

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris, Tennessee. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

Live Alligator in Car

It was like Crocodile Dundee, Brazoria style,' Brazoria Police Chief Neal Longbotham said. Many car drivers are happy to carry their pets by car; dogs are commonplace as passengers all over the world. Recently, however, from 'The Facts' newspaper in Brazoria, Texas, USA that police who stopped William Eric Johnson for performing an illegal u-turn got a mild surprise when they found that the driver was, in fact, a felon wanted for burglary.

What surprised the police even more was the ferocious alligator roaming free in the car: a live alligator some six feet long. They took this photograph of the reptile, at rest, on the rear window ledge. A game warden took the alligator into care, while the police took Johnson into custody.

Houston Tax Dollars at Work!

My kind of world!

Safety at Work