Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Living by your doctor's advice.

Real Quotes from Auto Insurance Claim Forms

1. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
2. I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he had been run over before.
3. I collided with a stationary tramcar coming the other way.
4. I consider that neither vehicle was to blame but if either were to blame it was the other vehicle.
5. I left my Austin Seven outside and when I came out later to my amazement there was an Austin Twelve.
6. Car had to turn sharper than was necessary.
7. To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
8. 'The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
9. The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intention.
10. The other man altered his mind so I had to run into him.
11. I told the other idiot what he was and went on.
12. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
13. I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian and the old gentleman was taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.
14. I thought the side window was down but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.
15. If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.
16. She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.
17. Cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
18. Three women were talking to each other and when two stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.
19. There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.
20. A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.
21. I was scraping my nearside on the bank when the accident happened.
22. After the accident a working gentleman offered to be a witness in my favour.
23. I collided with a stationary tree.
24. There was no damage done to the car, as the gatepost will testify.
25. Ice on the road applied brakes causing skid.
26. One wheel went into a ditch. My foot jumped from brake to accelerator pedal, leapt across the road to the other side and jumped into the trunk of a tree.
27. The water in my radiator accidentally froze at 12 midnight.
28. I was taking a friend home and keeping two yards from each lamp post which were in a straight line. Unfortunately, there was a bend in the road bringing the right-hand lamp post in line with the other and of course I landed in a ditch.
29. I bumped into a lamp post which was obscured by human beings.
30. I bumped into a shop window and sustained injuries to my wife.

With high fuel prices this is our next car!

Did you realize that...

In just one year, each and every American on average consumes enough wood and paper to construct a tree 100 feet tall and 16 inches in diameter.

Over three million Americans stutter. Stuttering is gender related and affects three to four times as many males as females.

The maximum speed that raindrops can fall at is around 18mph. The precise speed depends on their size.

Because of thermal expansion the Eiffel Tower is 15cm taller in summer than in winter.

A bolt of lightning contains enough energy to toast 160,000 pieces of bread. Unfortunately, the bolt only takes 1/10,000 of a second – so turning the bread over might prove difficult!

The tomato is the world's most popular fruit.

The largest flower in the world is Rafflesia arnoldi. Surprisingly, it is a a parasitic plant that grows only on Sumatra, Indonesia. The genus Rafflesia was named after Sir Thomas Stamford Raffles, the great explorer. Its petals can reach a foot and half long, if you were to touch one the leaves are 1 inch thick.

In 1313, King Edward II stated that, 'You are forbidden from dying in parliament.'

In Melbourne, Australia it is illegal for men to parade in strapless dresses, however, they are allowed to cross-dress in anything with sleeves.

Worldwide, 20,000 brands of beer are brewed in 180 styles, from ales, lagers, pilsner and stouts to bitters, cream ales and iced beers.

The human head contains 22 bones.

King George V changed the name of the British royal family from the German sounding Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to Windsor in 1917. As the great war was at its height King George V wanted to distance himself from his cousin Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany.

Ravens are kept in the Tower of London because, according to myth, the British throne will come to a fall if the ravens leave the tower. The wings of the ravens are clipped to prevent them from flying away.

Classic Hillbilly Drunk

George, the bartender, asks the the Hillbilly, who is sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

Hillbilly answers, "Ah, I'll have a scotch, please."

George hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be $4.60," to which the Hillbilly splutters, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'"

Roger, a lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to George, the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

George was singularly unimpressed, so he says to the Hillbilly, "OK, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me ever catch you in here again."

The next day, the Hillbilly again, walks into the bar. George glowers and rasps, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The Hillbilly smiles and says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

George looks at the Hillbilly closely and mutters, "I'm sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

'The Hillbilly, without missing a beat says, "Thank you, bartender. Make it a scotch."

Did you know that....

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great
Hearts-Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

'I am'. Is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the 'General Purpose' vehicle, G.P.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

More: Funny did you know facts?

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 [£3,500]
Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Did you appreciate these facts about letters?

Letters 'a', 'b', 'c' and 'd' do not appear if you spell any of the numbers between 1 and 99[Funnily enough, letter 'd' comes for the first time in Hundred]

In addition, letters 'a', 'b' and 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999[Strange, but true, letter 'a' comes for the first time in Thousand]

Neither letter 'b' nor 'c' appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999,999,999[Letter 'b' comes for the first time in Billion]

Letter 'c' does not appear anywhere in the spellings of entire English counting.

Intelligent Paper Memo

British technology company in Cambridge, England has invented an intelligent paper memo post-it note. It's key feature is a built-in alarm clock that can be programmed to flash or beep.

It's called the Ixp-Note and it's just 1mm thick. A secret process uses thermo-chromic ink to display a digital clock readout on paper. It was invented by Lyndsay Williams, in the Girton Labs, her idea is that people can place them at strategic places around the house with reminders such as 'take the bread out of the oven', or 'time for my vitamin pill. Look out for the post-it notes in 2009, they should be about $20 for a pack of ten.

Piano with Balls

I wish I had half the hand-eye coordination of this guy - AMAZING!

Funny Did You Know Facts - If's and Buts

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

Can you cry under water?

What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Nails

This is the story of a little boy who had very bad character. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that each time he would lose his patience, he should nail a nail behind the door. The first day the boy nailed 37 nails behind the door.

The following weeks, as he learned to control his temper, each time he would nail less nails behind the door. He discovered that it was easier to control his temper than to nail behind the door.

A day came when he could control his character during all the day. After informing his father, this one suggested that he should remove a nail each day he could control his character. The days passed and the youth could announce his father that there were no more nails to remove from the door.

His father took him by the hand and led him to the door. He told him, "You have worked hard, my son, but look all those holes in the door. Never more it will be the same. Each time you lose your patience, you leave scars exactly as the ones you see here."

Test For People Who Know Everything

Questions

1. There's one ' sport' in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? (Biennials don't count.)

4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defence, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw.' They are all common. Name two of them.

8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?

9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the 'Los Angeles Lakers' ?

10. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Being designated a pinch-runner is one way. Name the other six.

11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

12. Name six (or more) things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter 'S.'

Answers

1. Boxing

2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Asparagus and rhubarb

4. Baseball

5. Strawberry

6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle

8. Period (full stop), comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.

10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being ' Walked' by the pitcher.

11. Lettuce

12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings

Well, now you know! Feel any smarter?

A Tale of Friendship

Terry Markland and his friend Ken Stokes left the Royal Navy in 1993 after several years of serving together. They were well used to having a glass or two of ale together at the end of a long working day. On leaving the RN, Terry went to live in Plymouth and his friend returned to his home area of Newcastle. They promised each other that whenever they went out for a beer they would order two pints at a time as a way of remembering their friendship.

Terry drank for many years in The Star in Plymouth and each day at 1800 hours he would order and drink 2 pints of bitter. Dermot, the landlord, commented to Terry on this practice and Terry naturally told him the story. This went on for some 13 years, every day.

Last week Terry entered The Star and only ordered one pint of bitter.

Shocked and a trifle worried and anxious, Dermot enquired whether Ken had passed away hence no need for the second pint.

'Oh no, 'replied Terry, 'I've given up drinking.'

Hillbilly Letter From Home

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

You need to be careful of how much beer you drink!

Hillbilly Deputy Sheriff

One day a hillbilly walks into a police station because he wants to get a job as a deputy, which he's wanted to be his whole life. So he goes over to the sheriff's desk and says to the sheriff, "I'm here to be a deputy."

The sheriff laughs and says, "Well let's see if you're qualified, son." The sheriff then asks him, 'What are two days of the week that begin with 'T'?

''Today and tomorrow,' says the hillbilly.

"Not what I was looking for but I'll give it to ya," says the sheriff.

"Who shot Abraham Lincoln?" the sheriff asks.

The hillbilly just stands there with a blank look on his face.

"Why don't you go home, think about it and come back tomorrow," the sheriff says to the hillbilly. So the hillbilly goes home and his wife says to him, "So sweetpea, did you get the job?"

"I think so, they've already put me on a murder case.'"

Only a Person in Tennessee could Think of This!

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris, Tennessee. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

Live Alligator in Car

It was like Crocodile Dundee, Brazoria style,' Brazoria Police Chief Neal Longbotham said. Many car drivers are happy to carry their pets by car; dogs are commonplace as passengers all over the world. Recently, however, from 'The Facts' newspaper in Brazoria, Texas, USA that police who stopped William Eric Johnson for performing an illegal u-turn got a mild surprise when they found that the driver was, in fact, a felon wanted for burglary.

What surprised the police even more was the ferocious alligator roaming free in the car: a live alligator some six feet long. They took this photograph of the reptile, at rest, on the rear window ledge. A game warden took the alligator into care, while the police took Johnson into custody.

Houston Tax Dollars at Work!

My kind of world!

Safety at Work

Dog on a Skateboard

Cat and Dog Catch Robbers

Cat Investigates Toilet

Smart Dog

Backscatcher

New Stock Market Terminology

SMA = Save My Ass [used most frequently by CITI & AIG]

CEO = Chief Embezzlement Office

CFO = Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET = A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET = A 6 to 18 month period when the kidgs get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

How not to towing a boat!

A Child Learns

If a child lives with criticism,he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility,he learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule,he learns to be shy.

If a child lives with shame,he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance,he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement,he learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise,he learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness,he learns justice.

If a child lives with security,he learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval,he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance, and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.

Fantastic Machine

This incredible machine was built as a collaborative effort between the Robert M. Trammell Music Conservatory and the Sharon Wick School of Engineering at the University of Iowa. Amazingly, 97% of the machines components came from John Deere Industries and Irrigation Equipment of Bancroft Iowa, yes farm equipment!

It took the team a combined 13,029 hours of set-up, alignment, calibration, and tuning before filming this video but as you can see it was WELL worth the effort. It is now on display in the Matthew Gerhard Alumni Hall at the University and is already been decided to donated this fantastic machine to the Smithsonian museum.

Talk about a dumb boy!

Dogs and Fireworks Don't Mix

The VISIT

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, 'How was the trip?'

'It was great, Dad.'

'Did you see how poor people live?' the father asked. 'Oh yeah,' said the son.

'So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?' asked the father.

The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.

We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs.

We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."

The boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."

The Eyes of Love

A grandmother and a little girl whose face was sprinkled with bright red freckles spent the day at the zoo. The children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

'You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!' a boy in the line cried.

Embarrassed, the little girl dropped her head. Her grandmother knelt down next to her. 'I love your freckles,' she said.

'Not me,' the girl replied.

'Well, when I was a little girl I always wanted freckles,' she said, tracing her finger across the child's cheek. 'Freckles are beautiful!'

The girl looked up. 'Really?'

'Of course,' said the grandmother. 'Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles.'

The little girl peered into the old woman's smiling face. 'Wrinkles,' she answered softly.

Why?

Why are boxing rings square?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up, like, every two hours?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough funds for the ISF fee?

Cat and Dog Eating Together - NOT

Don't Touch My Beer

Sisterly Love

Funny Cat Video

NFL Fantasy Players

This one is from Mike - as if you'd have to ask.

This is Ron and I in a few years!

We both love "LAYS" potatoe chips!

Why Everyone Should Have a Dog

This one is self explanatory!

Wanda Sykes Views on the Bailout

Wanda Sykes was on The Tonight Show and gave the most cogent rebuttal to the bailout of any public figure to date: the Bush Administration wants poor people to close their eyes and give rich people $700 billion to squander so they can keep their Olympic-sized swimming pools. Only she says it funnier, obviously.

Wanda Sykes for Treasury Secretary!

The National Anthem Sung by the Cactus Cuties

These amazing girls are the Cactus Cuties from Lubbock, TX. You will be amazed at their singing talents. They sing many great songs other than the National Anthem which is the greatest rendition I have ever heard. They also have their own website TheCactusCuties.Com as well where you can find tons of great info about these girls.

Puzzle of the Day

May said to Moe, take all the coins out of your pocket, and I'll get all the coins I have in my purse. We'll throw them all, at the same time, and whoever gets more heads buys the other a chocolate malt, OK? Moe agreed, but was disappointed to find that May had 6 coins to his 5.

What's the probability that May won the bet?

Little Johnny... Finding Jesus

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!

"The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this."Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

Saturday Night Fever

It was revealed tonight that Staci's number 1 crush was for John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. This one is for you Staci from Jason (sorry for the competition Brad).

Lawyer Jokes

How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? Three - one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull? Jewelry.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then on the other.
How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture? Just say "Fees!"
"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?" "Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" "Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

Things to Ponder Over

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Jokes for the Day

A blind man, with a seeing eye dog at his side, walks into his local grocery store. He walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who up until this point thought he had seen it all, thinks this is quite strange. So he decides to find out what’s going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and asks, “Pardon me. May I help you with something?”

The blind man replies, “No thanks. I’m just looking around.”

An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type. She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added,

“that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Cindy McCain was in her front yard watering her roses when John McCain came out of the house and rushed straight to the mailbox, opened it, looked in,then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

As Cindy was getting ready to prune the roses, John came back out to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back,and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her husband’s actions Cindy asked him, “Is something wrong honey?”

To which he replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying,

“YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”

Half Man Half Boy

The average age of the military man is 19 years. He is a short haired, tight-muscled kid who, under normal circumstances is considered by society as half man, half boy. Not yet dry behind the ears, not old enough to buy a beer, but old enough to die for his country. He never really cared much for work and he would rather wax his own car than wash his father's, but he has never collected unemployment either.

He's a recent High School graduate; he was probably an average student , pursued some form of sport activities, drives a ten year old jalopy, and has a steady girlfriend that either broke up with him when he left, or swears to be waiting when he returns from half a world away. He listens to rock and roll or hip-hop or rap or jazz or swing and a 155mm howitzer.

He is 10 or 15 pounds lighter now than when he was at home because he is working or fighting from before dawn to well after dusk. He has trouble spelling, thus letter writing is a pain for him, but he can field strip a rifle in 30 seconds and reassemble it in less time in the dark.

He can recite to you the nomenclature of a machine gun or grenade launcher and use either one effectively if he must. He digs foxholes and latrines and can apply first aid like a professional. He can march until he is told to stop, or stop until he is told to march.

He obeys orders instantly and without hesitation, but he is not without spirit or individual dignity. He is self-sufficient. He has two sets of fatigues: he washes one and wears the other. He keeps his canteens full and his feet dry.

He sometimes forgets to brush his teeth, but never to clean his rifle. He can cook his own meals, mend his own clothes, and fix his own hurts. If you're thirsty, he'll share his water with you; if you are hungry, his food. He'll even split his ammunition with you in the midst of battle when you run low. He has learned to use his hands like weapons and weapons like they were his hands. He can save your life - or take it, because that is his job.
He will often do twice the work of a civilian, draw half the pay, and still find ironic humor in it all. He has seen more suffering and death than he should have in his short lifetime.

He has wept in public and in private, for friends who have fallen in combat and is unashamed. He feels every note of the National Anthem vibrate through his body while at rigid attention, while tempering the burning desire to 'square-away ' those around him who haven't bothered to stand, remove their hat, or even stop talking.

In an odd twist, day in and day out, far from home, he defends their right to be disrespectful. Just as did his Father, Grandfather, and Great- grandfather, he is paying the price for our freedom. Beardless or not, he is not a boy. He is the American Fighting Man that has kept this country free for over 200 years.

He has asked nothing in return, except our friendship and understanding. Remember him, always, for he has earned our respect and admiration with his blood. And now we even have women over there in danger, doing their part in this tradition of going to War when our nation calls us to do so.

As you go to bed tonight, remember this shot. . . A short lull, a little shade and a picture of loved ones in their helmets.

And recite this prayer for all our troops so that the lord will keep them safe.


"Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need. Amen."

A Nice Story

In Phoenix , Arizona , a 26-year-old mother stared down at her 6 year old son, who was dying of terminal leukemia. Although her heart was filled with sadness, she also had a strong feeling of determination. Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up & fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible. The leukemia would see to that. But she still wanted her son's dream to come true. She took her son' s hand and asked, "Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up? Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?"

"Mommy, I always wanted to be a firemanwhen I grew up." Mom smiled back and said, "Let's see if we can make your wish come true."

Later that day she went to her local fire Department in Phoenix, Arizona, where she met Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Phoenix. She explained her son's final wish and asked if it might be possible to give her 6 year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine. Fireman Bob said, "Look, we can do better than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make him an honorary Fireman for the whole day. He can come down to the fire station, eat with us go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards! And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy -- one-with the emblem of the Phoenix Fire Department on it, a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots. They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix ,so we can get them fast."

Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck. Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station. He was in heaven. There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls. He rode in the different fire engines, the Paramedic's' van, and even the fire chief's car. He was also videotaped for the local news program. Having his dream come true, with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.

One night all of Billy's vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in the hospice concept - that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital. Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a Fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition. The chief replied, "We can do better than that. We'll be there in five minutes. Will you please do me a favor? When you hear the sirens screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over the PA system that there is not a fire? It's the department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?"

About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window--------16 fire-fighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room. With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him.

With his dying breath, Billy looked up at the fire chief and said, "Chief, am I really a fireman now?'' "Billy, you are, and The Head Chief, Jesus, is holding your hand," the chief said. With those words, Billy smiled and said, "I know, He's been holding my hand all day, and The Angels have been Singing." Then he closed his eyes one last time.

Remember When...

Mooning meant staring listlessly off into space.
Inflation was something to do with a balloon.
A Saturday Nigh Special was a double dip chocolate soda.
Freeze-dried meant the family laundry had hung all day on the clothesline.
A Big Mac was a truck.
A drug problem was trying to get a prescription filled on Sunday.
Bicycles and chickens came fully assembled.
The quality of music wasn't measured in decibels.
"Is it a boy or girl?" was only asked about newborn babies.
A floppy disk was something to see a chiropractor about.
Marriage problems were solved, not dissolved.
Health foods were whatever your mother said you'd better eat or else.
A man wore a pink shirt only after a laundry foul-up.
Instant recall was a sign of good intelligence, not bad manufacturing.
Trouble in the street meant potholes.
Movies were rated on how good they were, not who was allowed to see them.
Lights, not people, were turned on and off.
A girls unmentionables were also unobservable.
The saltiest thing you got in a movie was popcorn.
People worried about how much it took to buy something instead of how long.
It was the patient that needed insurance, not the doctor.
When high school girls talked about the pill, They were discussing their teachers.
The only energy crisis was kids having too much of it.
The back seat driver had enough room to sit there.
The only thing kids needed batteries for was reading comic books under the bed-covers.
People were more intelligent than machines.

Things to Ponder

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Redneck Jokes

You know you're a redneck when your flyswatter doubles as your spatula!
You know you're a redneck when people say you lie through your tooth!
You know you're a redneck when at your wedding you toast with Budweiser.
You know you're a redneck when your stair master has an ashtray!
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.
You know you're a redneck if you think a seven-course meal is KFC and a sixpack.
You know you're a redneck if you think the last four words of the national anthem are: "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
You might be a redneck if you study for a blood test.

Jokes Of The Day

Essential Things for the Desert
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them. The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants. The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty. Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door. The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
The Cleaver Farmer
Q: Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?
A: Because he wanted mashed potatoes.
Three Dumb Hunters
Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."
So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."
So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."
So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"
Breaking the News is Worth a Beer
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly.
After the coroner leaves with Steve''s body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve''s wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.
"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?"
"Steve''s wife gave it to me!"
"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"
"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve''s widow. And, she said she wasn''t, so I said I''d bet her a six-pack she was!"
Orange
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
Because it ran out of juice!

There Once Was a Man Named Jason

This is a movie with sound that a co-worker of Jason put together for his "2008 pre-game superbowl party show".

Caught On a Store Camera

This is something that I'm glad my children didn't think about doing while they were small. Jason and Jessica are hiding the video from Xandria, Connor and Claire for obvious reasons. Too bad there is no sound I would love to have heard what the mother was saying when she finally found her daughter. Enjoy!